Dear Made Woman,
I've been seeing this great guy that I met on a dating website. He’s a successful lawyer, is intelligent, financially stable and all around a great catch. We hung out a few times and everything was good. I called him one night and he said he was out and would call me the following day. It's been one week and I haven't heard from him. All these other articles say to "give him space and then contact him in a few days to check in” or “just sit back and let things work themselves out.” They also say that I should let him “chase” me. What gives? What should I do?
What should you do? I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. You don't need to call him and "check on him" or "make sure he's OK" (sweetheart he is grown man and he's fine). Stop reading these articles that insist on you catering to a guy who doesn't even have the man parts to tell you what's really going on with him. (And please don’t allow the masses to convince you that “busy” is a valid excuse). You also don't need to arrange a girls' happy hour so everyone can sit around and "figure this out" over martinis and snacks. So to answer your question of, "What should I do?" DO NOTHING but LEAVE HIM ALONE. And I don’t mean “give him space” and secretly wait for his call. I mean truly leave him alone...out of sight and out of mind.This whole idea of a man chasing a woman is over-hyped. If you have shown you're interested in him and he hasn't responded, no amount of concerned calls or texts to him and/or nude selfies (you know how who you are…) will change that. Furthermore, do you even want a man around who doesn't think enough of you to call you in seven days? Move on and meet a new man, one that doesn't require an introductory course in common courtesy. When he does decide he's tired of dealing with whoever he is dealing with and gives you a call, you'll be so over him it won't matter to you one way or the other. (Although I’m sure his excuse will be a good one… Now, THAT will be worth sharing over drinks). Don't be weighed down by these games, just laugh and move on.
Made Woman Staff Writer
Dear Made Woman,
I met this amazing guy on a dating site, he was very sweet, funny, charming, cute, smart and great to talk to. We didn’t live in the same city but every day he would text me and/or call me first, and even send me cute little good morning texts. Two weeks later, we decided to meet up and we finally did, five days ago.
We had a lot of fun on that day, by the end of the night, he was worrying about the distance and how the relationship would work. I believe I saw him crying.
Then, he decided we should just be friends, but he did say when the opportunity comes, we can try again. He also said that he would text me later that night. So two days went by and I haven’t heard from him. I feel so awful and used. I decided to step up my game and send him a picture of the day we hung out and he still hasn’t responded. I feel horrible and stupid. Is he trying to tell me it’s officially over? Please help me.
Lost in Love
A truly amazing guy will be very sweet, funny, charming, cute, smart and great to talk to. Every day, he will text you and/or call you first as well as send cute little good morning texts AND continue to do so without disappearing off the face of the earth or crying about a measly 40 minute drive to you. I’m sorry, but he sounds unavailable and (I know this is disappointing) his behavior (especially the crying?) sounds unstable.
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I don’t want to leave the impression he is a bad guy, not at all, I just think he is not 100% ready, for the commitment you seem to be you are looking for. My boyfriend of two years, lived one hour from me up until October, when we moved in together. He would drive to me and I would drive to him. It wasn’t difficult at all. Sometimes frustrating... but our time together was totally worth it to me and vice versa. He would stay over at least one night during the week and we would spend Friday-Sunday nights together. It worked well!
This guy’s behavior, no matter how sweet he might be, sounds erratic.
Really hot one day and really cold the other, and that’s a red flag.
On another note, be wary of how much you communicate with your date before you meet them in person. A few short conversations are fine but be careful to not overly invest your heart and energy before seeing them… because you can end up in a situation like this. You grew closer to him in your conversations before hand and it makes distancing yourself from his unstable behavior now more difficult because of the over investment. You deserve and should be looking for a man that is consistent and reliable in his behavior in both words and actions alike.
Otherwise you’ll spend a lifetime beside yourself in confusion + mystery. In dating, I encourage you to observe impersonally rather than taking it personally as much as possible. Be mindful to not attach too much value to anyone until they prove themselves worthy.
Collect these experiences, put them in your tool belt of knowledge, extract the lesson, and throw away the rest. Most importantly, know when to walk away. And learn to recognize when they are giving you all they have and it is STILL not enough.
Made Woman Magazine
This article was originally published on Danielle-Dowling.com.
Dear Made Woman,
I have had a crush on a friend of mine for a few years now and I can't take it anymore. We hang out a lot but I've been relegated to the friend zone and I want to get out! He's always been the perfect gentleman to me and has never made a move. As our friendship grows, I realize more and more what a great guy he is and I don't want another woman to snatch him up. At the same time, I'm terrified of being rejected and making our relationship awkward. Can you help me out?
Secretly in love
Dear Secretly In Love,
I have good news for you! Either way this works out, you’re going to be fine—you just need to go for it and get some resolution so you know where you stand! There are three possible scenarios that might be happening right now in my opinion, so let’s narrow in on it and take the appropriate action.
One, he might be like the tarantula. What do I mean by this? While we are all scared sh**less of tarantulas, think how much they must be frightened of humongous humans. The truth is that they are way more scared of us than we are of them by comparison. With this guy, it could be the same way—that he’s been just as frightened to make a move and disturb the friendship as you’ve been (if not more). In this case, if you test the waters, tell him how you feel and if he feels the same way, he will be hugely relieved, and undoubtedly a non-platonic relationship will form.
Two, he might be like the nerdy video game programmer (just stereotyping here -- I’m engaged to an amazing one). There are men out there who are the type of guys who just don’t read social cues as well as they read Java code. You know this particular guy better than I do. Is he one of those guys who,when you’re out with him at a bar, is completely oblivious to the girl across the room shooting him adoring glares and batting her eyelashes?
If he’s a cutie who just doesn’t process the signs and signals people (including you) send him, you’ll have to take a more direct approach to see where he stands. And while it may be intimidating to ask him out for drinks just the two of you, this is the only way to find out where you stand with this type of gentleman. Best case scenario is that he’s game for your invitation and you go on a date; but also good is scenario B where, if you ask him and he’s not game for more, it’s okay because you’ll still be good friends. Why? Because if you really are good friends and he is a great person (otherwise why would you be friends with him/like him in the first place?), he will still care about you and still be friends with you the same way he was before you asked him out. He will understand your feelings and it won’t be awkward long-term. He’ll just take it as a compliment and move on without any prolonged weirdness.
Three, he might be like the frog and not the prince. Going back to our early scenario about observing him in a social setting, if you’ve seen him “work a room,” interact well with the ladies and perceive flirtations easily, and you’ve tried this approach of subtly (or not so subtly) flirting with him already to suggest your feelings, in this case signs point to the fact that he may be “just not that into you” (like that rom-com movie we girls all love so much). And that’s okay because there are millions of people in the world and sometimes you just can’t explain why something is or isn’t there. You’ll have clarity and be able to move on knowing where you stand. The worst thing is never doing anything about it and never knowing because it will always be a “what if.” Just know that even if he is a great guy, he’s just a frog out of a lot of frogs that will come up in your life, but that things truly do work out for a reason. When the right person comes along, you’ll know when it’s your prince.
Hope this helps, and keep us all posted on what happens!
All the best,
Made Woman Magazine