September 12, 2011
Dear Reality Show Circus Freaks,
I know I know, you’re “getting paid”, you’re “about your paper”, and the rest of us are all jealous and “hating” on you. You know what? You are absolutely right. We are incredibly envious of your “talent”. The God given talent you have to act like an ignorant fool or an over-sexed prostitute (maybe even both) really makes me wonder why I can’t catch a break. I don’t even know why I bothered going to college and pursuing a Master’s Degree when I could have been like you: on TV spewing curse words at America and throwing punches at people for ratings. Some people catch all the breaks. Why can’t I be you?
You know what else I am envious of? How you get to sit around all day and talk about your charity work and all the great things you do for your community. You get to throw parties, get drunk, raise no money, provide no clothing; hell, you don’t even provide canned goods, and then you report that you “are doing great things” for your charity. Thank goodness the world has you to name charities after yourself and never raise a finger except to take another shot of Don Julio Tequila!
Ok, but here’s why I really love you. Since the early 90’s we have watched you on national television perpetuating every negative stereotype known to mankind. From the neck rolling to the weave pulling, to the limited vocabulary and tales of sexual escapades, you have perfected women looking like hyper-sexed alcoholic animals. Your male counterparts do their best to look their worst by getting into fights in public every chance they get and sexing all of their roommates, while their girlfriends watch from home. But you work really hard! I am sure all this hard work is going to pay off in the long run. I am certain that Steven Spielberg and Christopher Nolan will be banging down your door begging you to star in their next Hollywood blockbuster. I’m positive that once you start your singing career Stevie Wonder will want to do a collabo and it will not only be nominated for a Grammy for “Song of the Year”, it will be the lead song to an Oscar nominated film. Then, Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar will want you on the cover of their magazines. (I know they are downgrades from what you model for now, like the prestigious “King” magazine, but a lot of people read Vogue and Harper’s Bazaar. I promise.) Then comes the Tony awards, then an Oscar. You have it made as a reality TV star; this will open doors for you. I am so envious I can’t stand it.
So, don’t forget about the little people as you buffoon your way to the “top”. Then you’ll wake up in the abyss with the rest of the “promising” reality TV show stars and starlets. Say what’s up to the “Flavor of Love Girls” while you’re down there. In the meantime, I’ll be busy changing the channel to re-runs of Martin and reminiscing about the days when scripted shows were actually entertaining and kept my faith in humanity intact.
The Rest of The REAL WORLD. (no pun intended)