July 30, 2012
You walk into the office Monday morning, ready to take on the world with your new outfit from the "Damn I Look Good" corporate collection... and then Here. She. Go. Little miss can't be wrong. Little miss my 'ish don't stank. You may also know her as The Office Mean Girl or as the woman who lives to make your day a living hell. But you are a Made Woman, right? And you're not going to let her see you sweat. Here are some ways to beat down.... I mean handle her in a professional manner that makes you look great while neutralizing her mean girl ways.
Beats By Dre headphones are not just fashionable ear candy for basketball players and rich kids from the suburbs, they are also great for drowning out the insane chatter of the office mean girl. The noise canceling headphones provide the perfect escape from the 15 loud and meaningless phone conversations she has all day long that your boss never seems to hear. To add a little bit of kick to this tactic, listen to the most hardcore rap lyrics you have in your iPod and quietly whisper them to yourself at your desk. She will think twice before coming to your cubicle as you recite lyrics from "Straight Out Of Compton."
Photoshop makes everything better and it can do the same for your mean girl situation. Photoshop some pictures of you on a tropical island with a hot guy. Or maybe one of you on Fifth Avenue in New York having fun with your best girlfriends. Take these photos and hang them up in your cubicle and watch the mean girl crumble. Deep down inside she is as insecure as they come, and seeing photos of you being fabulous in your everyday life will tug at her ugly soul.
You don't really need Photoshop to be look your best, you are pretty damn amazing in real life. So let's show her. Come to work in your best outfits with your hair perfect for a week straight and watch the compliments start flying your way. When people compliment you stay humble and say things like "I've had this for years" or "Got it on discount girl." Little miss mean girl will see this and possibly spontaneously implode in her cubicle.
Two Can Play That Game
She didn't invent the mean girl game and she certainly won't finish it, so if you can't beat 'em join 'em. She isn't the only one who can rat someone out for taking too long of a lunch hour. Also, remember when she took home those pens and Post-Its from the office supply cabinet? That's pilfering company property and your boss should know about it.
When she wants to strike up conversation about her trip to Cabo San Lucas and how she has no split ends and you need to moisturize, don't answer back or reply coyly. Give her the face. She won't know what hit her.
Discover Her Kryptonite
Is she a vegetarian with a gluten allergy? One day you should order meat lovers pizza filled with gluten goodness that mean girl can't enjoy, unless she fancies a trip to the emergency room. Or maybe she is going on a diet, even though she looks emaciated already, and you just happened to order two dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. Oopsie!
There is no more powerful tool in your office arsenal than email. Like a ninja, you must learn to use it in your ambush on mean girl. Send an office-wide email to a hot new happy hour that your friend from Warner Brothers is throwing where Common, Kirko Bangz and other cool people will be present. The trick is to leave mean girl off the email list. Put everyone's name in the BCC: field so that she can’t see she wasn't invited. Another stealth email trick is when mean girl decides to send you the third snarky and condescending email of the day, BCC: your supervisor so s/he can see her true colors. Checkmate, chick.