April 23, 2012
Dating. It’s probably 1 part fun and 5 parts exhausting. Getting to know a guy and figuring out what he’s about is a PROCESS. Sure, first impressions can be telling, but I know that I have written people off at first--only to come around later once they broke my ironclad walls down; or have been initially attracted to some smooth-talking sex god with killer abs--only to find out he had a pair of rocks clunking around in between his ears and little else. In the interest of saving us all a little time (and heartbreak) I’ve put together a handy list of guys you shouldn’t date, with a dash of ones you should, using some of our favorite male celebs as examples. All in hopes that you’ll recognize who you’re sitting across from right away the next time you’re on a “significant other audition,” a.k.a. date. Without further ado - here it is: your guide to navigating the dating scene.
The Love ‘em & Leave ‘em Lothario: George Clooney
Gosh almighty, don’t we all want somebody like George? Handsome, smart, charitable, talented, handsome, funny, handsome, versatile, handsome? I mean, where’s the problem , right? Well, not so fast ladies. The Georges of the world come in this perfect package, with a charming smile, a perfectly-timed joke at the ready, brains for days and drive to be the best at what he does, but there’s one little thing: You will never be enough for him. He’s a plaaaya and his love for women knows no bounds. He loves ‘em so much he wants to sample as many as he can. And no, you can’t change him, honey boo boo child. He has it all and he knows it; women see exactly what you do and constantly throw themselves at him. Oh sure, his interest in you may keep them fended off for a while, but eventually he’s going to want to trade you in for a newer model. This is a guy you definitely would LIKE to snag, but so does EVERYONE ELSE. Proceed with caution: he’s a pretty picture to admire, but he should never have your heart.
The Hopeless Nerd: Jesse Eisenberg
He’s geek personified. He’s awk-ward. He stutters and turns red around you, he uses unnecessarily big words in conversation, and he trips over his own feet as he walks you to the door after your first date. And let’s not even get into the first kiss. Please, no. This guy is probably blown away by the fact that anyone as remotely hot as you is even considering him, so his nerves get the best of him at first. But don’t write him off just yet. Men with brains can be sexy! Give him a few dates; once he calms down and gets used to your awesome presence, he might be just as charming as those Clooneys out there! Well, okay, probably not…but seriously, this guy could be great choice. He will treat you right, he can stimulate you intellectually, and he’s probably full of great ideas to help you launch that business plan you’ve been kicking around in the back of your head. You might be shocked to see you can actually connect with someone like this! A little awkwardness doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker.
The Passionate (Read: Emotional) Clinger: Drake
This dude is SUPER in touch with his feelings. I mean, super. He whines about his ex on the first date and how he just--God love him--wants to find a good woman. He’s sooo ”tired of the game,” he’s wronged and been wronged too many times, he’s having a fat day, he think he’s getting old, he still dreams about his childhood cat Marbles who died in 2nd grade, and don’t be surprised if he squirts out a tear as he tells you all about it. All I’m saying is keep the Kleenex handy. I don’t know, maybe you can get drunk with this guy, hook up, he’ll write a song about you, and you both can cry together. If that’s your thing. But you might just want to reserve this one as the straight guy you call to vent about your problems –since he will actually listen....and possibly even make you feel better by topping your sob story with one that’s even more depressing. Yeah, so he’ll probably try to get into your pants on a regular basis, but he’ll stick around even if you don’t let him. Ya know, waiting on that possibility…
The Bad Boy: Colin Ferrell
He’s got a HUGE……. Personality. Yeah. We like that about him, don’t we? Well, all that… personality comes equipped with a dangerous amount of testosterone. This guy wants to race his motorcycle down Mulholland Drive without a helmet in the pouring rain at 2 in the morning after downing 8 shots of whiskey in 5 minutes. He’s a thrill-seeker; a dangerous walk on the wild side. He’s always got that mischievous glint in his eye, and when you try to protest to his shenanigans he can turn those probing eyeballs on you to get you to agree to do things you’d normally never dream of doing. Like, oh I don’t know, hopping on the back of that death cycle I was talking about. You don’t want to do it, but…his eyes, they see into your very soul! You must do it! He’s sexy and terrifying, and your poor mother weeps for your future every time his name pops up on your phone. If you value this whole living/sanity thing you’ve got going on right now, you should probably avoid eye contact and run in the other direction.
The Comedian: Kevin Hart
So he might not be the best looking guy in the world, but you don’t even need to go to the gym anymore because your abs are getting a better work out laughing at his never-ending stream of funny stories and jokes than they were in Pilates class. It’s impossible to be in a bad mood around this guy. Humor makes a guy about 20 times more attractive, so who cares if he’s a little on the short side? The only problem you may have with this guy is that it may be hard to get him to be serious for anything, which can be a royal pain in the ass at times. He also may be trying out new material on you all the time. But these are minor drawbacks, lady. There’s a reason people say that laughter is the best medicine -- this one is a keeper.
The (Almost?) Too Good To Be True Perfect Guy: Will Smith
He’s hot, he’s freakin’ hilarious, he’s got good values and he knows how to turn on the charm. AND, unlike the Clooneys of the world, he is a one woman man. This is the jackpot, sister. He probably talks about how he loves kids, his professional life is completely in order, he’s close with his family and he captivates entire rooms of people with his contagious laugh. He is the guy who’s going to wine and dine you, rub your feet after a long day at work, and he’s NOT afraid to claim you as his girl. Congrats, the search is over! But uh…. Well, one thing. There might be a pesky rumor about his possible homosexuality floating around from time to time, but here’s what I say to that: Unless you see it yourself, ignore it. I mean, he’s PERFECT, right?! Right?....
So, how many of these guys have you ended up across from at a dinner table lately? Weeding through all the duds to try to find a guy worth your precious time takes WORK. Be vigilant, ladies! Although this guide is obviously all in good fun, trying to recognize the signs of which type of man you’re out with early can save you time and effort. Good luck -- and let us know what categories of men we might have missed in the comments below!