August 15, 2011
When I first saw David I had to do my best not to stare. His sexy smile and heavily muscled body were enough to make a girl covet. To my surprise, not too long after spotting him he came over, sat down next to me and struck up a conversation. His fitted hat was low and his smile was Colgate bright. I had to use all my mental dexterity in order to not trip over my own tongue when talking to him. After a while he said, “I want to keep it real with you. I saw you when you walked in here and I knew I had to come talk to you. You seem real cool. You think I can take you out sometime?” Needless to say, I accepted.
Of course, I stressed over what to wear. I mean, I was going on a date with a guy that looked like he stepped off the page of some magazine. I wanted to look my best. I wondered where he would take me. If he would try to kiss me goodnight. If I could resist....
The clock struck eight and David rolled up in his jalopy. I gave him a pass because mine was parked in my garage. He told me he was taking me somewhere special and gave me a wink. When we pulled up in the parking lot of Red Lobster, I was slightly confused and wondered if he had somehow gotten lost on the way to Crustacean. But then he parked and got out of the car. I got out too, looking around to see if maybe–somehow, someway--there was a Benihanna being blocked by the Red Lobster building. Alas, I figured out that to David, “special” meant cheddar biscuits. Sigh.
We sat down at a secluded table and I decided to roll with it. I mean, I would still get to look at this sexy man over dinner and get to know him. Our waiter came up to the table to take our drink orders. He was a flamboyantly gay man with a purple Mohawk. He seemed to know David and they chatted for a while. He finally got around to taking that drink order... and then chatted some more. And then some more. I finally looked up at him as if say, “Can you please leave?” That must have pissed him off because he casually said, “Oh, didn’t you guys come in here a few weeks ago? Yeah, I think I remember seeing you two.” David sat there looking embarrassed so I said, “No, this is our first date.” “Oh,” Hater Waiter says in his high, false falsetto. “Must have been another girl.” Burn.
Finally he left, but things were sorta awkward after that. David tried to explain to me that he didn’t know what the guy was talking about, but I didn’t really care. I just wanted to move on to better topics. Like how often he had to work out to get ripped like that. We talked for a while and began to enjoy ourselves, but low and behold Hater Waiter returned! He proceeded to stand by the table and talk to us like he was on the damn date too. It finally dawned on me that this jerk was trying to get at my date with me sitting right there! I’m used to guarding my men from aggressive female scallywags, but this attack caught me off guard. David seemed thrown too, making polite suggestions to this guy to leave. Finally, dude left. I hurried through dinner so that we could go somewhere to actually be alone. Three is definitely a damn crowd. When we were finished, the waiter brought over the bill and handed it... to me! I looked up, confused and said, “why did you hand this to me?” He responds, “Well, if I was here with David, I would pay.” I had to think in my head three times, Did he really just say that? WTF.
David paid and we made a mad dash out of there. I hope this sad first date isn't a bad omen for our future. Moral of the story, watch yo’ back. People are aggressive nowadays. Shoot. David may have even given him his phone number when I wasn’t looking... #DownLow #DatingFail